Definition of a Dollophead
by Loopstagirl
Summary: By Merlin's own definition, he can't call the King a dollophead any more. As Arthur happily will point out.


**Disclaimer: Nope, I own nothing. I've had this in my head for so long, hope you enjoy.**

"You cannot ask me to do that."

"I'm not."

"Good..."

"I'm telling you."

"Arthur!"

"I'm your King, Merlin, do as you are told." Standing impressively by his window, arms folded across his chest and looking every part the royal, Arthur glared at his protesting servant. He didn't see what was so wrong with asking Merlin to keep the newest guests comfortable, but his manservant had instantly started protesting. Apparently keeping an eye on Gaius – the man was still trying to regain his strength from his imprisonment – and running around after, as he put it, the royal prat was quite enough for any servant to be getting on with. Personally, Arthur didn't see what Merlin had to do, it wasn't like he had a kingdom to run with every decision having potentially devastating consequences.

In comparison, Merlin was standing opposite him, also having his arms folded across his chest. But unlike his master, he was sulking, especially considering the pout that he had on his face as he glanced irritably away from Arthur. How did he not understand? Normally when Merlin had to sort out guests, they were plotting against Arthur and his damn destiny meant that he had to do something about it, whether he wanted to or not. Considering Arthur's latest behaviour and mood swings, Merlin wasn't quite sure if he could be bothered anymore. At the same time, he knew that despite Arthur's behaviour, the man was still his best friend and he would die before letting anything happen to him. When, of course, he wasn't planning to murder the king himself for being such an idiot.

"You're an idiot." Merlin muttered sullenly, turning away and automatically tidying things around the room without thinking about what he was doing.

"So you've said," Arthur responded; a small smile on his face as he too turned away and sat back. Pulling the stack of paperwork towards him, he resumed with what he had been doing before his one simple instruction had caused a row. He couldn't help but note that was happening more and more lately, especially as he kept Merlin running around so that he could spend time with his wife without the servant in the way. If Gwen realised what he was doing, Arthur knew he would be sleeping on the floor, King or not. But as of yet, neither of the two had realised quite why Merlin was suddenly needed on the other side of the castle. The bags under his eyes made Arthur feel slightly guilty, until he caught sight of Gwen's smile when she realised they had a moment alone. He would make it up to Merlin one day, he would...

"Well, then, you're a prat, a clotpole, a complete and utter moron..."

Arthur suddenly grinned. He knew precisely what insult was going to come next. Despite being slightly inventive when it came to insults (Arthur still didn't know what `clotpole` was supposed to mean), Merlin always listed them in the same order. Arthur knew how he could get Merlin to do what he had been ordered to, and not moan about it.

"Tell you what..." His voice stopped Merlin's ramblings, and the lanky servant turned from where he was making the bed, the pillow still clutched dramatically in his hand. He was regarding Arthur with suspicion, his eyes narrowing when he caught sight of the King's smile, clearly knowing Arthur was up to something, but not knowing what.

"What?" Merlin said quietly, the same suspicion laced in his voice.

"I'll do you a deal."

"A deal?"

"Don't sound so disbelieving, _Mer_lin, yes, a deal. If I can get one over you, will you serve the guests without moaning?" Arthur almost rolled his eyes as Merlin's whole face lit up. In fairness to Merlin, the servant had often been proved right when Arthur was wrong, and this time, the warlock looked certain that he had just found his way out of his latest duty.

"Deal." He said quickly, not being sure whether Arthur was going to suddenly change his mind or not. The King nodded, sealing the deal and turned back to his paperwork with a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Merlin frowned at him, clearly wondering how his master was planning to pull one over him when he wasn't doing anything.

For a moment, nothing was said. Then, in a very casual tone, Arthur spoke.

"Muck out my stables."

"Wha-? I did them yesterday!"

"Just do it, Merlin." Arthur refused to look up this time, knew that his expression was going to give him away if he caught sight of what he knew would be Merlin's defiant expression. Having a servant that didn't argue against every order would feel strange now.

"Prat."

"Yep, but then I need you to polish the boots."

"Fine, fine..." Mumbling to himself, Merlin turned away to finish making the bed, scowling again. He almost missed Arthur's next words, but when he did, he yelped so loudly that he turned back around again, indignant.

"For all of the army."

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, I'm very serious, Merlin."

"You are a total idiot!" Merlin yelled. He couldn't help it, he had had enough. It was easy for Arthur; he was now King and had the love of his life as his wife. Merlin simply had to run around as a servant still, whilst trying to make sure Gaius didn't over-do-it whilst recovering from starvation. His destiny was more serious than ever, and Arthur had no idea.

"Don't insult me, Merlin." Arthur had to fight to keep the grin off his face now. He hadn't meant any of those orders, and he knew it was only moments before he had won their deal. The expression on Merlin's face would make it worth it when he realised what Arthur had done.

"No? Well, you clotpole, cabbage-head, prat of a King, you are a complete..."

Arthur knew it was coming, he just knew it. He had to bite his lip to stop himself from saying anything just to make sure Merlin said the words.

"...and utter dollophead!" Arthur smirked, looking up.

"Gotcha." He said with a grin, and Merlin broke off from his tirade to frown at Arthur and the grin on his face.

"What?"

"You can't call me a dollophead."

"I can call you whatever I want!" Merlin responded heatedly, and it was only then Arthur realised quite how annoyed his servant was.

"Actually, you can't..."

"Just because you are a king doesn't mean I'm not going to insult you."

"That's not what I meant, Merlin." Arthur was openly grinning now, close to bursting out laughing. Merlin still hadn't realised what Arthur was getting at, and it made him more than happy. Merlin had pulled one over him way too many times for him to be happy with.

"You can call me whatever the hell you want, it's clear that I can't stop you. But you can't call me dollophead."

"Why not?" Merlin's annoyance had given away to confusing now, and he frowned quizzically at Arthur, having no idea where this was going. The King was constantly telling him he couldn't address him like that, something that brought fond smiles of remembrance to both of their faces, but never had he honed in on a particular insult.

"How did you define dollophead, Merlin?" Arthur asked, his eyes twinkling. Merlin's frown deepened, but a flicker of understanding sparkled into life in his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" If he thought playing the innocent card was going to work, he had another thing coming.

"Come on, you know. How did you define dollophead?"

"I can't remember!" Merlin responded, but he was suddenly looking away, studying the floor. Arthur smirked. He did remember, and judging by the way he was scowling again, he knew precisely what Arthur was meaning.

"Then let me refresh your memory. In description of what a dollophead was, you responded with "Prince Arthur.""

"You are!"

"Were." Arthur shot back, finally giving into his laughter as Merlin gaped at him, lost for words. It had taken him five minutes only to get one up on servant. "By your own definition, you can no longer call me that."

"You...you dollophead!"

"Nope." Arthur said cheerfully, finally putting his quill aside and swinging his feet up so that they were resting on the table.

"Clotpole!"

"Maybe. But now you have to go and serve those guests." Merlin opened his mouth to protest, unable to believe this had happened. This was Arthur, the man who hadn't realised that the person he spent more time than anyone with was hiding the biggest secret in existence.

"Without moaning!" Arthur added on hastily. Merlin gaped at him for a long moment, his quick mind clearly trying to work out how on earth he had landed himself in this situation. How had he let this happen? Judging by the smirk on Arthur's face, he had been planning this all along. In a way, Merlin had to smile slightly. Despite not knowing the real him, Arthur did know him too well on occasions.

"Prat..." he muttered, but his voice had lost the annoyance as he rolled his eyes, unable to hide his own smile. For once, Arthur had won fair and square, and despite still not wanting to look after these new guests, he knew that he had too. It had been a fair deal.

But as he scuffed his way from the room, conscious of Arthur's smug grin, Merlin found his mind racing. He would get Arthur back for that, he would have the last laugh. But for now, he just had to come up with a new insult that the King wouldn't be able to worm his way out of. He was going to have fun with this!

**What did you think?**


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